Shivasana

Went to yoga yesterday. Yesterday morning was hard. I kept feeling like all my nerves were exposed. Everyone's voice sounded harsh. I kept feeling as if I were going to cry.

Then I went to yoga.

Jane was teaching the class, and her beautiful luminous daughter, Catherine, back from her road trip to Oregon was there. These two women are unbelievably beautiful, in this sort of 1945 South Pacific Coca Cola girl pinup sort of way. Jane just radiates happiness and peace. They look so all american that you almost don't register the blue hair and tie dye. And I know Jane's dragged Catherine all over the place--grew up in Ashrams, on the beach, wherever. Jane's educated--phD in pyschology. Catherine dropped out of high school, dyes her hair blue, works at our local health food store and has affairs with girls. The two of them seem to have a good relationship. They're always riding bikes together or shopping together or just hanging out. Catherine's about a year older than Nick. A few months ago, Catherine took off to Oregon without telling Jane, which Jane just took in stride. "Well," she said, smiling her movie star smile, "It did come as a surprise..." and then she started tap dancing. Well, not really. But that's what she always looks like she's going to do: start doing time steps down eighth street and bursting into song. Tye die and all. Catherine gave me a little pot of blue hair dye before she left. "Go for it. Be brave." she told me.
She was back, unapologetically, in about 3 weeks. Some poor besotted male is following her around.
Well, he won't be the last.
But in shivasana, I had the strangest thing happen. I thought I might be going crazy. Right before, I kept seeing this sort of dark movement around me, as if I had a shadow self and I could see it. I watched it all through yoga. I wondered if maybe something was wrong with my eyes. Then, at the end of class, while I was lying there, I felt it all sort of gather together. It wasn't a really bad feeling (it didn't feel like evil or anything) I could just feel it pool together like smoke, and then, all the sudden, I felt it just lift out of my body (it was sort of like the feeling you have after you give birth) and blow away. Then I sort of fell asleep and when I woke up, I was like a new person. I felt so light and happy and peaceful and soft. And it gave me the strangest take on people--it was like I was seeing everyone from a distance, but I could so see their motivations and their frustrations. I could see who meant well and who was just lost. It was so strange. I talked to Jay on the phone, and I could see him suddenly in toto.
So, after yoga, I took my new, strange light self to our local hippie bookstore/dry goods/rabble rousing enclave/hemp jewelry store and bought a dress and a candy bar. Then I went home and registered for class and tried to download new printer software (can't find my disk and the printer's off the computer for some reason), took Nick's Thunderbird in for a new tire ($94.50!), went to the library and read a book about perfume that made me really want to buy a bottle of Joy. I'm tired of Niki de Saint Phalle. I'm tired of trying to be complicated and mysterious. I went to the mall and tried on perfumes for the rest of the afternoon,.
Nick and I made sweet potato curry. He went out, I went over to Jay's farm. Swam in the pond, ate peaches off the tree, made love and slept like a stone falling in a clear lake.
Had a dream about Wiz. "Here's what I do on my breaks, " he tells me, smiling with his crooked discolored teeth and taking me by the hand. He opens a door off the unit I hadn't noticed before and we step out into a sunny fall day. There's a strange little train right there. We climb on one of the cars (they're like coal train cars).
"Duck!" he says. The train starts going at breakneck speed into a tunnel.
"I'm not too good with enclosed spaces...."I start to say.
"You wanted to come see..."he says, "lie down--quick--"
I lie down just in time. The train hurtles through the tunnel, earth and roots are inches above my face. Wiz is lying beside me, holding my hand in his cool dry fingers.
Finally, we're through, into the light and the cool fall day. I start to sit up, but Wiz pulls me down again. Another tunnel.
Then the train stops in front of a school. An old brick school. Wiz gets out and goes inside. "Don't follow me." he says. I get out, too. I sit on a bench on the corner. There's a town square in front of me. The train pulls away. I wait and wait and wait, watching the townspeople in this little town walk around. The town, come to think of it, looks a lot like Port Clinton, Ohio. I start worrying about who's manning the ship in the unit. We've been gone a long time. Finally, the train comes back. There's a smiling Vietnamese lady driving it.
"Hurry! Time to go back!" she says.
"Wiz isn't back yet." I tell her. "I can't go without Wiz."
"You have to go. No one is watching the patients."
"I'm waiting for Wiz."
She waits, too, looks exasperated. Finally, she takes off. I'm alone in the street. The sun is going down.
Wiz comes out of the school.
"What are you still doing here?" he asks. "Why didn't you go back?"
"I was waiting for you."
"You weren't supposed to wait for me."
"Well, you didn't tell me that. You're the one who's always harping about communication."
He sighs. "Well, I guess we're walking."
We start off along the tracks. Back to work.
I wake up in Jay's arms, tightly folded, the fan blowing, the sun up. Green light and lark song.
He smells so good.

Love your life.

That's my 1/2 hour.