The Insayne roote

Well, I have officially entered the land of the insane.

I am finishing up both my health assessment final projects and my research proposal. I am doing this all by the 21st. I think. I hope. I haven't left the house. I'm living off armour thyroid, b vitamins, cafe con leches and grape nuts. When I sit zazen, all I do is cry. Then I get up and memorize cranial nerves (along with some other stuff, like heart murmurs). I've had three classes prior to this where I had to memorize cranial nerves--I have to rememorize them every time. I wonder if I've actually learned anything. I always have to run through in my mind--"On Old Olympus' Towering Tops" Sometimes however, at work, someone will ask me an academic question, and the answer will just weirdly pop out. Blurp. Like a knowledge lugie. (sp?) And I think: "I didn't even know I knew that!"

So, while I was sitting zazen this morning, feeling guilty for not using the 1/2 hour to study, I started thinking about Joaquin Phoenix.

There's this great line in this Julio Cortazar story The Pursuer, where all the sudden the main character (pretty much exactly based on Bird) is in a recording session and he freaks out and stops the session saying, "I'm playing tomorrow!" or something like that. And I think this has something to do with what Mr. Phoenix is trying to do. What happens when you drop the spin and the plan and just sit there?

It's even worse now. We are never where we are. Our culture is about smoke and mirrors. People don't even get to die. We think we have created immediacy with the internet, etc., but we have just made more shadows. Everything is up for grabs, everything is open for comment. This is why the families in the ICU are so awful. We have nothing that coaches us for finality, because everything now has the illusion of living on and on. As Wiz says, "Hello, Mr. Reality." We are lost in dreams--and mostly, oddly, dreams of being known. We want to be loved and known. And known in our world = recorded and broadcast. Our phrases are canned. We spout movie lines to each other instead of coming up with conversation. All communication is heuristic. Secret handshakes. Are you red or blue.

Well, best of luck, Mr. Phoenix. Remember there are other places, other lives. It's a big world. You can truly step out of your frame, if you want to. What about nursing school?

That's my 1/2 hour.