Plague Dog Dreams

Thinking of the scene in Wolf Hall when Cromwell sees his wife sitting on the stairs in the morning before she leaves, returns home in the afternoon to find her dead.  Gleaming wooden coffins on the television, containing Italian doctors. Confounded in my mind with the Svengoolie Dracula movie last night, the open window of stained glass, letting in unfiltered light. Beautiful vampires, decaying before our eyes, once the stake is hammered in.

Spent yesterday mostly alone. Jay was out on a shoot. Zazen, yoga, 2 hours on the concerto I'm working on (Wienawski, Concerto No.2 in D minor, if you're interested).  Long walk with the dog on these deserted country roads. A mountain lion (yes, you heard me) on the far edge of the pond--that's why I took the dog on my walk! Then some studying.

The clinics remain open, incredibly. There is "screening" at the door, by people who are not health professionals. No PPE employed by staff. Jay is angry. Thinks we're chasing money. Wants me to call in. Quit. But people break bones and herniate disks even during a pandemic.  As usual, it's neither entirely one thing or the other.  This will pass, and we can't shut down, but I also think we could be safer and smarter. The school of medicine published one of the most heartless, callous documents at the outset of this I've ever seen.  Not surprised.  This was followed after several days by communication from the dean in a much different tone.  Must have had some feedback. :-)   But that was the first reaction.  Wiz always said, "When people reveal themselves...believe them." 

 It's interesting to see who people really are, isn't it? Or would be if my life and health and the health of my family didn't depend on their choices...

Interestingly, Fran, my direct report, who has a reputation as being very calculating and heartless, is one of the most humane voices out there. Making sure everyone is in on the plan. Emails at 10pm. Checking in personally. I always suspected she was a human being.  She was one of the few in the building who reached out to me when my father was dying. 

Oh, wow.  People.

Are we doing the best we can? Are we going to be able to look in the mirror after all of this is done?  If we make it?

80% have mild symptoms.  I have to assume, however, given the lax screening measures, that I might have it and not know. There's this little game we're playing, however, with the symptomatology. So people aren't being tested.  "Oh, it's not exactly this...so no test for you!" So our numbers officially stay low, and we stay open.  But the reality is that we are now basically travelling vectors of disease, spreading it to the community, as if the rules of social distancing and infection control just don't apply to us.

Chances are, I will make it out of this. I am relatively young and healthy and the odds are on my side.  Knock wood.  But aren't I at risk of infecting my patients?  What about the people still coming to work?  People I know have comorbidities.  What about the people who simply don't need to be here? 

And here again...financial exigencies. I'm the only stable income in the ENTIRE family.  Easy for Jay to tell me to quit and get angry at me for going into work.  Eighteen thousand dollars to Jay in the last year to cover basic expenses. 12,000 to my son. Plus healthcare.  Not feasible. God protect us all.