Gifts

I only have a few minutes today. I finally got my computer out of the computer ICU--$240! New keyboard, disk drive, lalalala. 12 hours later...the mouse froze. Back it went. So no computer. Just the library--and I can only use this one for an hour--and I have 14 minutes left, having spent the last 46 minutes filling out financial aid forms and answering emails and paying bills online.

Our library here in Little Dixie is really quite the thing. At first I hated it, but now I love it. But in my heart is still the old library. When I go to the library, or make a plan to go to the library, for some reason, that library is still the one I expect to walk into. I'm always surprised when I walk into this, past the flame colored metal sculptures depicting Don Quixote, into the round foyer--I'm always surprised. I have the old building memorized, and it's there I wander. When I think about a book I want, I always think I know where it is, then I come in here and stop..."Oh, that's right. That building isn't here anymore."

That must happen to old people a lot. They just walk around in a completely different world then we do. Ghosts do too, probably.

I mean, I even have the rubbed out formica of the counters at the old one internalized.

Sometimes, at night, I lie in bed and think about my grandfather's living room. It seems so real to me. I wander through, smell the old wool carpet, the placid pale blue velvet furniture, the quiet gleaming tables. The pictures of venice my grandmother painted in her oil class in college in small gold frames. The other ancient dark oil paintings--you could see a cow in one of them. That was about it. I'm always 4 in this living room. I'm always up before everyone else, trying to get onto the patio to catch lizards.

Much of the furniture from that house is shrouded in my garage now. But the living loving space they created is still in my heart, there for me to wander through.

I found out later about the dramas and petty betrayals--when I was an adult and could better understand ambiguity.

But these gifts I always have. These gifts are ours to give, as well. Remember to accept the simple things from people. Remember to give them too.