White Rabbit

White Rabbit!
Say it! Don't think why.
You'll have good luck for the rest of the month.
What you're supposed to do is wake up on the first of the month and say "White Rabbit" first thing without even remembering why. Then you'll have good luck for the rest of the month.
Fantastic luck. Prince charming, free parking, lottery ticket winning, all green lights from West Boulevard to Old 63 on Broadway good luck.
This is very hard to do. I know because I have been trying to do this every single month since I was 5 and have yet to do it. So 36 years. Times 12. That's some really big number. 10 times 36 = 360. 2 X 36 = 72. 432. I've tried to remember to say White Rabbit on the first of the month 432 times unsuccessfully.
So I settle for the next best thing: I tell other people to say it without knowing why. Then they have good luck, and the way I figure it, the good karma I bank more than makes up for not having the good luck month myself.
I went back to work today. I got paid. Hooray! As usual, I didn't eat all day. Every weekend I work I drop about 2 pounds. If my life is stressful outside work, I keep it off. If it isn't, I put it back on. Over the course of 2 years in the ICU, have dropped 25 pounds. 22 in the first 6 months.
Trauma nurses are skinny.
The drama with Jay just took the sauce right out of me. I spent a lot of time lying in bed and sleeping. Reading. Eating organic cheese doodles. Finally, on Thursday, I mustered enough gumption to drag myself to Yoga. Sirrocca's class. Her real name is Alison. But she got divorced and became a lesbian and changed her name to Sirrocca. "Call me 'Sirrocca'" she pronounces. She has a husky voice, that she 'covers' to use Linklater speak. It is a very consciously produced voice--and my voice teacher always told me that when people are covering their voices, they're lying--either to you or to themselves--most likely both. People who lie to themselves usually lie to other people. She's very pretty, my age, with huge breasts, but carries the extra belly fat of a drinker. She used to date Hunter, but dumped him for another woman. She told me once that she has cervical cancer--was diagnosed about 7 years ago--but is doing nothing to treat it.
"What my gynecologist doesn't understand about me is that I come from such a place of health, I have no place for cancer." She pronounces.
I am aghast.
I've lost two friends to cervical cancer that metsd. They were idiots. They didn't get pap smears. Cervical cancer is one of the easiest to treat and cure. You find it, you cut it out, you move on. Letting it go is just crazy.
But I don't know how hard to come down on Sirrocca. Because I believe that dumb blind hope and faith can medically do as much to keep you going as almost everything else.
"You probably think I'm crazy."
"I think you should treat your cervical cancer. You can still come from a place of health and acknowledge you cancer..."I told her, very carefully.
But all that aside, she teaches a class that kicks your ass. She teaches a class that you come out of feeling beautiful and agile and challenged I felt so much healthier after class. I didn't feel as much of a cuckold and a fool.
But I still don't know how I feel about Jay. I just don't know. I was supposed to have a date tonight, but fortunately (unfortunately?) Nick didn't feel well and Lilly was spending the night at a friend's, so I felt funny leaving him alone and sick, especially since he'd been home alone all day. He's on the couch right now. For some reason, Nick won't sleep in his bedroom. He's been sleeping on the couch in this house since we moved in--when he was 9 years old. He says he feels safer this way. Since in every other respect, he seems like a regular teen, I don't worry too much, but I think he feels responsible for a lot, and I worry that maybe this is too much for him to handle, that he'll hit 30 and realize he hasn't really had a childhood. All the animals love Nick, and they all jump on top of him when he sleeps. Even psychotic Pebbles the cat.. The Puppy climbs on his head, most nights. So it's just us, tonight.
He asks me what I want to watch on TV.
I stop and think. I honestly don't really want to watch anything. Except the muppets.
So now we're watching the muppets.
This entry is jumping around a lot.
My favorite muppet is Gonzo. I think the muppet you most identify with tells a lot about you. I look at the people I work with, and they all look like Muppets to me. I observe the squabbles they get into with a sort of detached indulgence. I think this is because the people I work with are all basically such good people. Like the muppets. They all have their eccentricities and ego problems, but no one's malicious. Even the old guys in the balcony. Even Miss Piggy.
Well, that's my 1/2 hour.
White Rabbit!