Cozumel

I'm in Mexico. In Cozumel, sitting in the white washed kitchenette of the Tamarindo bed and breakfast. The computer is french as is the proprietress, so the keys are just slightly different. It's an object lesson about habit and attitude, the unconscious physicalities that shape our communication with the world. I finally gave up and started sitting around Jay. I feel self-conscious doing it, but oh well. There is a tiny blue balcony overlooking the mexican street outside. Every day, the same man has ridden by, whistling, early in the morning, on a red bicycle. The cars are a little noisier here, and as I sit on the ledge and breathe, I can hear them coming from a long way off, then they pass in a rush and I keep returning to my breath, and I think, that's just like any thought, any emotion, you can hear the smoke and rattle and then they pass and fade and you keep breathing.
I have not felt entirely easy here, for one thing, Jay came here a lot, not to this specific hotel, but here, to Cozumel, with his ex, Hali, and I think there must be a lot of memories here for him, he is really so decent and quiet about these things. He has tried so hard. We've made sweet but slightly uneasy love here twice--I'm having my period and I bled through onto the sheets, which was sort of shameful in a way, although I know that it shouldn't be.
Wheww. Wherever you go there you are. I also think he is uneasy about the money, that he came here mainly for me, and that he's worried about things, as am I, but you know as you get older, there are always things that crowd and hound you and you just have to push them away from your clearing and live and love your life as best you can in spite of the shadows and the rats running across the floor. Boo! Light a fire, grab the broom and keep breathing and dancing. We went to mass on Christmas day and I watched all the people around me and even though I didn't know the language, I knew the story by heart and I thought, we're all in this together aren't we?
That's all the time I'm going to take away from Cozumel for now on this. We're flying out this afternoon, back to the snow and ice.