Christmas Shopping

2nd snow day in a row. I was supposed to go in to work but got called off. It's funny, I like the extra money, but I like the time more. So of course, I stayed home, locked in with the kids and spent money. One of the night shift nurses gave me the Vermont Country Store catalog and I decided for once to buy everything in it that I wanted. It came to 163 dollars, which is pretty good I guess. I got no-slip thingies for my mom to put on her shoes, a bunch of embroidered handkerchiefs, those little chocolate candies from Holland shaped like wooden shoes, a reproduction vintage Nancy Drew for my mom, some Nurse books--I forget the name--Army Nurse! Student Nurse! Cherry Hanes? Is that it? I'm too lazy to go into the dining room and get the catalog--and a flannel nightie. With a square neck. I hate buttons. I'm always intrigued by the perfumes they have in that catalog--"Evening in Paris" etc. I want to try them--I have the deep inner conviction that every single problem in my life can be solved by finding the right perfume and moisturizer.
I finally have a wrinkle. 2. One on each eye. They're real They're small, but they stretch to my hairline, as if I've drawn the line on. It's the convertible, I guess. I wasn't as rigorous about wearing a big hat this summer, and I drove around in the Saab a lot. Since I turned forty, I've gotten a lot less rigorous about the sunscreen. I also finally took off the last five pounds I've been trying to lose, and with it went my wrinkle padding. What an ugly dilemma--do I want a fat ass or wrinkles? Choose!
Wiz has been making a big deal of this at work. "Better watch that pie, Patton, you don't want to put that weight back on."
Sunday he brought baklava for everyone--in specimen cups--except me. He handed me a small baggie with a tea bag in it.
"It's mate. No calories. La Maja was thin."
"La Maja threw herself into the river!"
One of the greatest blessings in life is to have someone in it who has read as much as you have. Most of the hours of my life, I feel sort of locked in. I don't have anyone to really talk to about things I like to talk about. My best friend from college, Myrtle, can do it, but she's also crazy now, so it's kind of off and on. My kids are getting there--especially Lilly--but I have to do a lot of arbitration still (no, you need to get out of the bathroom NOW) and Jay I have to "manage" which is exhausting in it's own way--is he getting emotionally hemmed in? am I distant enough? am I close enough? There are a lot of things I see very plainly about him that he is simply not ready to face, and, really, at 52, he may not ever cop to them. People don't change. And I worry about him. Jay's in the circle of worry--along with kids, pets and parents and close friends. So I like working with Wiz. He'll just say one word or name. "Comte de Guise" and I'll mostly know what he's talking about. Cultural references both high and low. It's like swimming to shore, sometimes. Ahhh.
I think I'll go back to Creme de la Mer. I quit using it because I decided it was all hype, but my skin's gotten worse. I hate to spend the money.
Jay and I are going to Cozumel over Christmas. We had a big fight. Big for us. We never fight. He had brought up the trip a few weeks ago, and I found cheap tickets. He was supposed to order them but when I got home from work he hadn't.
"Why not?"
"Well, I couldn't find a room, and I couldn't reach the hotel I usually stay at..."
So I'm thinking, okay, he doesn't really want to go. There may be too many memories of Hali there or maybe his money situation is worse than I thought, or, I don't know, he's just not that in to me--so the only thing to do when you sense that is to BACK OFF AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE.
"Oh, okay. That's cool. No worries. We'll have fun here."
But I was disappointed, and I guess it showed. And he got mad at me for it. And then he told me he was mad at me for a bunch of other things--"I'm 87 per cent mad at everything else, but I'm 13 per cent mad at you--your job schedule sucks, you can never spend enough time with me, and you had a bad reaction to the cozumel thing."
Here's what I think: people who get mad at you because they feel guilty for treating you poorly suck. Men who are mad at you for earning a living but offer you no alternative are cads. I know, my heart is like a piece of old, chewed hide. It is my best friend in that it now shuts down whenever I am fed this kind of crap by a guy. Even one I adore. And anyone who serves you anything but milk and honey after you have been out in the snow and ice, working for 14 hours needs to be left alone.
So I got up, put on my shoes, hat and coat and headed out the door.
"don't you want a burrito to take with you? You've been working 14 hours."
We made up.
And the next day I got a message:"I've got tickets to Cozumel."
So good. What precipitated this, I guess, is that Jay showed up at Hali's house yesterday evening. Our town does something this time of year called "Living Windows" which is kind of fun. Downtown is lit up and the shop windows have tableaus featuring living mannequins. He had the bright idea of taking her daughter to see the windows, so that Hali and Carlos could go out by themselves, or something. But Carlos was like, "No. I'm taking my daughter and my wife downtown."
This upset Jay. Imagine that.
"You mean, the fact that her father wanted to do something christmassy with her upset you?"
Silence.
Weirdness.
That's my 1/2 hour.