Herpes

I had a dream last night about Ayhan. It was a very sweet and simple dream: I was walking down the street in the evening in a strange small town somewhere on the coast. It felt like Cape Cod. It was winter, and even though it was early in the evening, it was dark. Suddenly, up ahead of me, I saw someone else walking. As I caught up to them, I realized it was Ayhan. He looked at me, but didn't say anything. We sort of walked together in silence--I guess we were going the same direction--and then I thought, 'this is ridiculous.' so I said, "Hi, how are you?"
and he said, "I don't want to talk to you."
"Don't be silly," I told him. "I just want to know what you're up to." And then we started talking, and I woke up.
"Were you dreaming?" Jay asked me. I mutter a lot in my sleep.
I didn't tell him about the dream. I asked him about his dreams and he launched into a big long story. He always forgets his questions if you get him to talk about himself--it's sort of funny how well it works.
But I started thinking--it's strange that Ayhan and I both live in this small town and know the same people and like the same things, and in almost three years we have not run into each other once since our breakup.
Ayhan was the best boyfriend I have ever had. We went out a long time. But he lied about something essential. I tried to forgive him and get over it, but in the end, I couldn't make a future with him. It was too big of an obstacle. It was sad, because I really cared for him. People thought I was just crazy for breaking up with him--if you met him, you wouldn't be able to imagine a better man. Beautiful. Looked like Armand Asante. People would come up and ask for his autograph. Courtly. Kind. Always remembered birthdays and occasions, always dressed beautifully--Armani suits, linen handkerchiefs, handmade shoes. But he had herpes. He knew it, but he didn't tell me about it, and so, after a few years, I got it, too. Looking back, I see that he tried not to give it to me, but he didn't try hard enough, and, most importantly, he didn't give me any choice about getting it. I should have been smarter, I guess, but we went out a long time, and frankly, when you go out with someone a long time, you relax on some things--like always using a condom.
The funny thing is, if he'd told me, our relationship probably would have slowed down--I would have had to back off and consider whether I wanted to get involved and take the risk--but you know, he was lovely and when you get older, something like herpes isn't really the big deal it would be if you were in your teens or twenties. I would have respected him for being honest, and we probably would still be together.
I didn't realize how awful not telling me was until I met Jay. Jay started out being my friend--I knew him through some other friends--and then, when I realized he was romantically interested in me--I felt absolutely compelled to tell him. We hadn't even kissed. But I didn't even want to lead him on a little bit--I didn't even care for him that much yet, it was just the right human thing to do. In fact, it was impossible not to tell him. How could Ayhan not do the same for me? And of course, he backed off, and I thought I'd lost him, which was really disheartening. But he came back about 6 weeks later. So when I get frustrated with him and start comparing him to Ayhan--which happens sometimes--I just remember my valtrex prescription--and how Jay makes jokes about it but still wants to make love to me anyways--and I feel really grateful. But I always have this little nagging voice that says, "you're icky, you're diseased" and I know that, even though it's not my fault, it's mine to carry always. And that's a horrible thing to give a person, this little daily frisson of shame, and it is unforgivable and intolerable that a potential mate would foist it on you unchosen.
So anyways, back to now, Jay's out deer hunting this weekend, Nick's at a debate tournament, and Lilly and I were on our own, so we went to the Macaroni Grill, which was really okay. Lilly's facing the door and suddenly she says, "Oh my God, guess who walked in!"
"Ayhan." I guessed.
"Aren't you going to turn around and look?"
I thought a moment, thought about my nice dream where we got caught up. "Nope."
And then I put him out of my mind. I mean, I really did. I went back to dinner and enjoyed it and had desert and coffee and focused on Lilly and had a good time.
This probably isn't very buddhist, or christian for that matter, but sometimes, you just have to be very solidly in your own camp, and when someone wrongs you, don't waste another minute on them. Men being stupid men you can get past--erratic phone calling, doing stupid men things, being weird about commitment, etc. But you can't let someone be dishonorable. It hurts you and it hurts them. I hate to sound like a gangster, but that has to be IT. Wiz says, "when someone reveals themselves, believe it."
Believe it. And move on
And that's my 1/2 hour.