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Kids got back last night. We got Indian take-out, our dear fat Indian lady, standing in the dark in her restaurant holding two big brown bags of food. She looked grumpy, then saw us.
"Oh it's for you!" she said, and smiled. It was freezing outside. This cold place feels like a dream to me sometimes. I wish I'd stayed where it was warm, but I didn't have the money to really give the kids what they needed.
I had a meltdown in the airport when we got back to the U.S. The minute the plane touched down Jay called his ex girlfriend to talk to her daughter. I got pissed. I used to really lose it when I got pissed, now I just sort of freeze up. The whole time, I'm having this dialogue inside myself--shutup, just shutup now, stop talking. You've been too close. He had to pull something. We did get close, riding around on the moped, the sea to the left, bellies on the sand, eating ceviche and drinking la negra. I actually got happy for an hour or two. Then we got home, and the old traps close.
"You had to call her now? It couldn't wait til tomorrow?"
"Fine, I'll just keep all my private calls secret, since you're so jealous. I'll never call any of my friends ever in front of you again"
He always pushes me out on a limb like this-attaches some extreme generalization to what I've said.
So of course, I came back with the brilliant, pithy rejoinder: "You're such a moron." And then I cried.
"I'll give you period points." He said at last. I am in the middle of the usual torrent.
"Moron!"

So the next day, I was supposed to go to work, but I got called off, and he was going to go visit his children in Arkansas, which is about a 3 hour drive away from where we live. He had told me he wouldn't be home til 10. I felt bad about the fight and decided to suprise him with Thai food and build up the fire in the stove before he got there--went downtown--and guess whose car was parked across from the restaurant?
I picked up the food and drove out anyways. The house was cold and dark. I figured he'd probably gotten in a little early and was having a drink with Hunter or something.
I get a call: "Hey baby,"
"How was Arkansas?" I ask. I've been thinking about him all day, feeling bad, because the situation down there is so bad, and it's sad that his children and his family are so fragmented at Christmas.
"I didn't go." He says. "I just went out drinking with Hunter. The time just got away from me."
I just decided not to react to this. This was a test.
So appropriate guilty reactions followed--phone calls and apologies, but as I'm writing this, I'm still kind of disappointed and hurt by the whole thing. The weird thing about people not being straightforward with me is that I just turn off.
I don't think I'm going to go to Madurai with him. I think I'll travel alone next time. We'll see. Maybe this is just stupid couple shit. I think it's just stupid couple shit.
This year my resolution is to 1)Take refuge in my own good nature as frequently as I can
2)Not get any parking tickets. I spent something like $500 dollars on parking tickets. 3)Not have habits that are traps--like weighing myself every day, or playing bejeweled compulsively, or reading tabloids, you know--the things that are designed to fritter time and sap your life away. Make you wish you were someone else
4)Be sweeter.