Craving

I'm wrestling with craving. I lost.

It's the library's fault. No, it's not. It's Jay's fault. No,not him, either. It's Hali's fault. Jay's ex. It's her fault.

I was at the library waiting for Jay and Elena. Why was I waiting for Jay and Elena? Well, who knows. That's for me and my shrink. I really hope my shrink doesn't take that job at the VA. I still need him.

While I was waiting, I read this great book on perfume. In it was a review of Mitsouko by Lucas Turin. To paraphrase, he said that if he ever ended up on a desert island and could only have one fragrance to take with him, that it would be Mitsouko. Intrigued, I got on ebay, found a vintage mini bottle and bought it.

I loved it. I walked around smelling myself constantly. I tried using my other perfumes--it made them all smell like crap. Like dog piss. I started noticing how bad everything smelled in comparison--how horrible and cheap and chemical and coarse--my fabric softener, for instance, my Ecco Bella vanilla lotion. I started looking for more information about it on the internet and found that the formula had been changed. Panicked, I went back on ebay and started bidding on more vintage bottles. I went crazy. I checked ebay constantly. (This whole auction thing, it will take over your life). I thought about acquiring this stuff all the time. I stopped worrying about whether Jay was screwing around on me or sending books of poetry to the other Halie (the other ex, not the one with the little girl. It sure would have been easier if he'd picked people with different names--I mean--not for him, I guess, since he can just shout out whoever's name he wants and I'll never be the wiser. You know, honestly, I don't think he is. I think he's true.) I thought about it when I was having sex. I just go everwhere with this stuff on and sit happily, thinking, "Wow, I smell really good." Even when I sit, I think about it. I worry about it.

Lilly turned sixteen yesterday. I thought about Mitsouko. I mean--I covered all the bases. But I was still focused on perfume. Expensive perfume. We're taking the bus I knew I was being irrational. I just couldn't stop.

I thought about Our Town. Why is it that it is so hard to live up to a day? My parents came over early in the morning with presents and woke us up. I had been out with Jay the night before and had a little too much wine--so I had a headache. Lilly had crawled in bed with me. They bought her an immense emerald ring. Too much for her at this age, I think, but, oh well. It's expensive but it's ugly as hell. Maybe I could pawn it for a bottle of Mitsouko. But then I would have to share the Mitsouko with Lilly.

I bought her a computer I found on ebay for $250. She loved it. But then, after presents, we had nothing to do until the evening. We were just planning a family party with maybe one friend. We drifted through the day. Taking naps, going for short bike rides. I baked a cake from scratch. Black Forest, Lilly's favorite. Me checking ebay. I kept thinking: this is Lilly's birthday. 16! I gave birth to her during a hurricane. Surely we should be doing something else. We kept suggesting things to each other and then dropping back into our books.

"I feel like we're screwing up." Lilly said at one point.

She went downtown for a little bit with her friends from public school (the ones who were arrested for arson last year. Wonderful.) They just came by the house and collected her. Then Nick and I met up with her and her best friend and my parents at our local Indian restaurant. We ate until our stomachs hurt.

"You smell incredible," my mother informed me.

My parents had a fight during the birthday party, as usual. They always fight when there are friends around. At least now they're old and funny. When they were 40 it was really disturbing to guests. My father spent the rest of the evening with his arms crossed, pouting. They get really shrill. People at other tables turn around and look at us.

"Stop it. Now."

But they don't care. It's their agenda. It's always their party.

Afterward, Nick went to a party of his own and Lilly's friend, Anne, went home. (She's been grounded). Lilly and I drifted over to the Rotogravure (our local independent movie theater) and sat on the terrace, waiting for Jay. Lilly wanted to see Brideshead Revisited. Which was very long, but wonderfully faithful to the book. They didn't give enough screen time to Anthony Blarge, though. And the book is really funny in places and they didn't capture that at all, which was too bad. But Jarrold really teased out the important themes and actually illuminated parts of the story I'd sort of glossed over when I read it. The whole family read it last year. I didn't think this when I read the book--but after seeing the movie, I think Brideshead Revisited is as important a book as Anna Karenina. I mean, Evelyn Waugh tackled some heavy shit.

At the movie, we ran into our beautiful young friend Miriam. Miriam works at the Dakota and she sort of adopted us as a college student. She became friends with all of us--big sister to Lilly, object of desire to Nick, little sister to me, I guess. We weren't sure why she picked us. She just liked our family and started showing up. "Wanna go to a movie?" she'd call and say. "Okay," we'd respond, bemused. She's another anthropology major. She looks like Natalie Portman and is trying to start her own clothing line.

She tells me she's moving to San Francisco. "I just wanted to tell you," she says, "how much I love your family. And how sometimes I'm just happy thinking about you guys and how you just walk around living your life. How special you all are. I want you to know that I think of all three of you as the true friends of my heart and that I really love you all."
We exchanged email addresses and I wished her well. She's taking a train out west tomorrow! Isn't that romantic. I've taken that train. I made Lilly on that train, in fact.

We went home after the movie. Lilly talking nonstop about Italy (Jay gave her a passport case and a book on writing). Nick was back from the party and we had cake. Another year, another birthday. The three of us gathered over the firefly glow of the candles singing our wishes.

After Nick and Lilly were asleep, I got up, checked ebay, and just went ahead and bought a damn bottle of Mitsouko. I'll just keep taking the bus. My shrink's probably quitting--that'll be $300 I'll save--and perhaps my wonderful scent will mitigate my crazy aura. It's only perfume, after all.

That's my 1/2 hour