Racehorses

Profoundest apologies to the spider whose web I just walked through this morning. I think the midge I inadvertently released is very grateful, though.
I sleep so well here. I just fall.
We're in Ohio, I think I mentioned. 9 days with my family. My folks have a house on Lake Erie. It's not the house I want to have here, but it's the one I've got. I want one of those old victorian houses on Kelley's Island--hang on, the espresso's done. Got to boil the milk. There, it's done, and I'm sitting on the bench on the promontory in the bright sunlight. It's 0730, very bright for this time of day. Here comes my heron.
I can see my reflection in the computer screen as I'm typing--I never look at myself from this angle. Good thing, too, I've got a nice double chin starting to develop. Aack! How did that happen? Maybe it's always been there? I can kind of hold it up with one hand, but then I can't type. I think I've gained weight. My nasolabial folds seem nonexistent. God--Ohio. The Polish Riviera. Where I'm fed like a pig for the slaughter.
Arthur came to visit. I slept with him maybe 3 or 4 times about 21 years ago. He's married and he's been visiting us here for years. I didn't tell Jay he was coming--part of my revenge for the plum poetry.
We used to fool around more when he came up, but then I got this new shrink and decided that whole situation was too confusing and put the kaibosh on it. I sometimes wonder if I''ve made a big mistake not having a big affair with Arthur--you know, maybe I'm just a prude missing my big romantic chance and my bourgeois morals keep me from enjoying the passion of life, blah blah blah. But the problem is that I have this weird sense of exploitation that I just can't get past. I've had one affair with someone married and wanted to basically kill myself before, during, and after it--big depression--wandering around with no bra in my pajamas at the grocery store stocking up on frozen healthy choice dinners for the kids because I knew I wouldn't be able to cook, fired from two jobs, alienating all my friends because the only thing I could drone on about was him, him, him 2am, 6 months after the breakup "leslie--I saw his car in the parking lot at the super walmart. OH GOD! The PAIN!" so I think...lesson learned. And I'm very frank. I tell him this. My shrink warned me that our friendship probably wouldn't survive the shift in dynamics, but so far it has. I like Arthur. I guess I probably love Arthur but his visits are a mixed bag. Not during, but afterwards. Okay, during, too.
For one, Arthur just likes to spend time with me, as me. Which is very affirming. Because Jay doesn't like to just hang out with me. I have almost no one in my life who just wants to be around me for the sake of being around me. So, it's really good, and god knows, you need a shot of that every once in awhile, but I kind of wish that particularly flavor was more of a constant in my daily life salad.
For two, Arthur's friendship is a rejection in a way--"I love you , but not enough to marry and not enough build a life around." I know that's probably not the whole thing, but there is that element, and it hurts. He makes me feel like a spinster.
So--ambiguity, Freud said the hallmark of adulthood (and I'm really paraphrasing here) is the ability to accept ambiguity.
I could make a connection with all this to non duality and the present
Went with my crazy family to Cedar point last night. My mother wanted to ride the race horses (they have a carousel there with painted race horses that move back and forth, "racing" each other) They wouldn't let us on with our purses (what, honestly, can possibly happen on those slow little horses with a purse? Do they think we're carrying grenades?) They're her favorite ride. She's been riding them since she was a little girl. I remember going on them with my grandmother. I held the purses and watched my parents and my children go round and round, racing each other. I thought about my mom as a little girl, I thought about all my civil servant immigrant polish/irish relatives, coming here for fun since 1930, I thought about them all being young, and dancing at the palladium, flirting on the horses, bringing their children later. It seemed like everyone was riding with us, the past selves, the children we were, the children who are coming. It seemed so crowded and lit and joyous, exciting, the round house and the carnival lights, still running, cool sunset wind blowing in off the lake, still racing, knowing it wasn't real, getting off--the same old joke between us--did you win?
That's my 1/2 hour