Jealousy breathing

I'm trying to figure out why I'm so stupid. If you have any insight into why you are so stupid, please drop me a line. Maybe it will help me figure myself out.

I found out through very devious means that I'm completely ashamed of, prompted by the usual psychic sirens that LIES LIES LIES are being told.. that Jay had sent a book of poetry to his ex girlfriend. A book of poems by Elizabeth Desmond. Then he followed it up with a sample--one about plums...except it's really about sex, and probably, in his mind, it's about sex with her, the fucking ratfuck weasel ratfuck.

She's married. They had an affair about 4 or 5 years ago. He pushed her to leave her husband and she did--and then Jay dropped her. Which made her mad. Strange girl. She called on Christmas Eve this year.

I've thought about doing all sorts of things. Like sending her husband a note, or covering Jay's car with rotten plums.

And, check this out...her name is Haley, too. Just like me and the other Hali.

I wish I didn't know the things I know. One of the problems with my practice has been that as a result of sitting all these years, I have become very good and noticing things. My ego dream has been lifted--only a little--but still--and I see things, for the most part, very clearly--except emotional realities--and I can't make strong decisions for myself. For example, I know I should leave this situation, but I'm not going to. I guess I will, eventually. But then I think of myself. I'm not married. I have male friends who send me books and cd's and visit me on vacation. My father has had close relationships with women, intellectually and spiritually intimate friendships. Are those wrong?

I want the one I'm sleeping with to think of me and me only.
The error bred into the bone is to be loved and loved alone.
My practice just falls apart when it comes to things like this.
The best I've been able to do is resolve to not check up on him and to focus more on living my life for me and mine. I'm wearing this little string around my wrist and I'm adding a bead for each day I do right. I know that's judging the day--but I'm thinking of it as a 12 step program. When my thoughts go to scenarios involving imaginary confrontations I touch the beads on my wrist and breathe and focus on the world around me. I don't think it's virtuous to spy, so I'm stopping for that reason. Things manifest at different times, when the conditions are right for them to do so.
Everyone's heart blooms when it is spring.