Anger Management

So, the latest news on Jay's penis: it's a "fixed allergic eruption," per his dermatologist. I believe, however, it is a plague from St. Dwynn, my patron saint, who visited it on him because he was planning to fool around on me while I was in Ohio.

I was sitting in Yoga, and I figured out who he wants me to be.

He wants me to be like Candice Bergen in that movie she did in the 60's--what is that movie? Where she's Jack Kerouac's girlfriend? Remember that? She's classy and even and cool.

Wrong girl.

There's this great book: The Dark Side of the Light Chasers which really has some interesting things in it--nothing Jung hasn't addressed, but kind of a working take on it--on manifesting different sides of our self, personas--and I was thinking about it while I was sitting there and I found this personality inside. I'll call her Liesl. Liesl is very, very cool. She's like a cross between Angelina Jolie and Candice Bergen. She's like Colby Calle--however you spell it, without the puerile lyrics. Very together, very down-to-earth, a little tough, but accessible. She's like me, but with all the sort of insecure, people pleasing puppy like slathering and screaming meemie hormone informed jealousy washed out. She's not a very good writer (but she is a good marketer). Liesl doesn't use food processors and she's very hip, but not showy. After yoga, I decided to try being Liesl for an hour. I started in the entryway, and one of the guys in my class--this really cool guy--asked me out to coffee. I mean, all I did was think, "how would this person sit and put her Eccos back on." So I went. Hmmm.....

I think Liesl has some limitations--for example, I think her fiddling might suck, but maybe we could give Liesl responsibility for certain grown-up tasks and interactions.

And Jay. I don't know what to do about Jay. I'm hurt. Really hurt. And I'm so tired of hearing about his penis all the time. That's been like our only topic of conversation for the last 6 weeks. And I'm also tired of worrying about where his head is at and checking up on him. The town has become like a mine field. I can't do anything write. Liesl wouldn't give a fuck. Liesl would just keep going where she needs to go and keep doing what she needs to do. Oh, well.

He's so unhappy. How can I possibly fix that? How can I fix what he did or didn't do to sabotage a 15 year marriage? How can I make up for Hali cheating on him? How do I make his kids happy? How do I make his parents young and healthy? How do I make him skinny again, young again, full of life again? I can just hold him, right? I can just love him the way he is. The problem is, I'm starting to distance myself out of self-protection.

Well, what does he like?

Plants, animals, wine. Books about africa. Nice leather bags. Climbing.

Maybe he's right. Maybe I don't know him.

I'll just try to hang on and keep sane and happy, I guess. Encourage him in any direction he feels he needs to take to get there. And do what I always do: listen. Listen, listen, listen.

He told me I was his best friend. Trouble is, he isn't mine.

In the meantime, I'm going to stop checking up on him and live my life. I re-enrolled in graduate school. I'm not going to change my work schedule unless he's committed to me as a financial partner.



Well, that's all for today, I think.