Fog

So, it's foggy outside. Spent the night out at the farm. Didn't make it in to H'okukuan this morning. Seido probably thinks I've dropped off the face of the earth. But honestly, does it matter whether I sit in my basement or his? Pebbles is sitting across from me on one of the dining room chairs, twitching her tail and hissing. Who knows why? Now she has jumped up on the table and is nuzzling me and purring.
Psycho.
Driving back to the house from the farm was like driving on another planet--the whole town is covered in mist, cars and buildings suddenly appearing, as if conjured. Got up after being naked belly to belly with Jay all night long, I sleep so much better with him than I do by myself. It's this very basic thing with him--not overwhelming emotionally, although it sometimes can be and has been, but my body just physically feels complete when I am with him. Sort of like--oh, that's where that bony knob on my wrist fits, and that's what my hip is for--okay--got it.
I'm still all revved up though, in "mom" mode. It's hard to divest myself of it. I feel all wired and capable. Got up this morning and made breakfast. "I don't eat breakfast" Jay says.
"Yes you do."
He sat down and ate.
This is sort of new for me, this voice. The "do this now it's good for you and don't piss me off" voice. It works like a charm on patients with head injuries, cuts right through the cerebral edema and brain fog:"Stop that. Stop playing with your poop. Put your legs back in the bed." They do it! Try it sometime. Channel your inner harridan, it's one of the secret pleasures of losing your looks, you get to boss people around.
Today I'm going to babysit Hali's daughter with Jay--we're going to the library. I'm going to dip early so I don't have to deal with La Loca. I've decided I'm not participating in unhealthy situations unless I actually have to. I guess I have to give the little baggage a present. I actually really like her, we have a lot of fun. We put on fairy wings and fly around the house and jump on furniture and she loves to come over to my house. My house has a lot of things your average 3 year old finds fascinating--funny carved and painted furniture, ottomans shaped like turtles, a rocking horse, rugs with pictures in them, mobiles. I didn't realize how much it was like this until she came over and I saw it through her eyes. I never thought about decorating the house, really, but I think I never evolved much beyond 7 or 8 in terms of aesthetics. Lilly agrees. "It's like a little kid picked out all the furniture, you didn't realize that?"
I hadn't. "Will your house be different?"
"Yes." she says. "This wouldn't work in an Italian Villa..although.." she mused "I guess the rugs could stay"
That's my 1/2 hour.