I have a sinus infection. Which has progressed into an upper respiratory infection. Which I thought I wouldn't get.
Everybody around me got it--my boyfriend, my daughter, my coworkers--but I carry this secret (erroneous) conviction that because I'm so meticulous about things like handwashing and organic food that I am immune somehow to sickness, and also, deeply secretly, dear reader, that this makes me superior to others. So boink from the karma bat. I feel like crap.
I stayed up all night finishing my DNP application, after working three 12 hour shifts, which probably didn't help matters. I missed the skills fair, which I'd committed to manning. One of the night-time supervisors, another single parent, had waited for me to show, missing precious hours of sleep. I had called and left a message with our educator saying I was too sick to come, but it didn't get through. Her son had had a baby and she'd gone off to attend to THAT--geez. I mean it's only a first grandchild. They're cute and young. They'll be more of those coming. Couldn't she check her messages while she was holding the latest offspring? I mean the world's crowded enough already.
I'm kidding...
My boss called me at home, and thinking it was my mother calling for the 4th time I answered the phone saying, in my croaking baritone, "What?!"
"Where are you?" she asked. "Sonya's been waiting for you for two hours. She has to work tonight."
I explained. Then I apologized and apologized. Then I went out and bought Sonya a massage from the local spa and delivered it to her that evening. At least everyone could see I was sick. But, man. It's not how I want to be known, you know? And I like my boss, I really like her. And respect her and want her to like me. But this week has been hard. I keep putting things down and forgetting them, I keep letting things slide. I keep missing appointments and blowing off tasks. And drifting off into these fever dreams, this midday sleep that just inhales me right into it...
Sometimes I feel that the farther I get away from the bedside, the worse of an employee I am. I mean, I wasn't good at all the meeting stuff and political stuff. That's why I went into nursing. To do something basic and real. Maybe the degree is a mistake. Maybe trying to advance is a mistake. Maybe I should just stick it out with my two patients a day and be content. This is the first thing I've ever been good at, the first thing that absorbs me heart and soul, other than mothering...
Hmmm....don't know, don't know.
Maybe I should just take a shower and try to get out of the house and stop thinking all these negative thoughts. Maybe I should eat something other than chocolate covered pretzels and orange juice and old Thai food. Maybe I should get caller i.d.?
Maybe I should get back on my cushion. I wish I felt better! I just hate this.
More zazen!
That's 28 minutes, but that's all I can endure today.
