Hot Cocoa

Freezing rain is coming down. The pebbles on the path are slick and treacherous. I don't drive in this weather, not with my history, so I've been stuck inside all day. I woke up early, sat zazen, had the best intentions of being productive, but Jay had other ideas, so back to bed I went! Age is a massacre, paraphrasing Philip Roth, and erections have been a bit of an issue this year. I finally convinced Jay to go to the doctor. Our primary care physician is very beautiful.

"If someone had ever told me I would pay to have a beautiful woman stick her finger up my ass, this was NOT how I imagined it would go down." He told me that night.

She prescribed Cialis, and advised a statin, which he eschewed, opting for diet changes. So we have been vegetarian all year, and, lo and behold, things are...working again.  Not they were ever NOT working for me. One of the things about being middle-aged is that you abandon your fantasies and rituals about sex and just get down to getting off.  If I love you and you smell reasonable, I can manage to have reasonably satisfying sex with you, and you will probably get something out of it, too, almost no matter what.  His erection is a nice bonus, but not essential.

Of course, one of the contributing factors may be the death of my father, if I'm being honest, because Jay did a good portion of his care.  This involved cleaning and turning and changing him, and staying up all night. Coming face-to-face with mortality either really increases your libido or saps it. Axel Munthe writes about this, when he and the nurse make love at the deathbed of the mother superior, who has just died from cholera. Seido told me that the night his mother died, he had sex with the nurse who cared for her in the hospital parking lot.

I've never really felt that. I'm pretty steady. I'm usually up for it, but not actively seeking. Upsetting patients usually take me out of the sack for awhile. Flesh becomes distasteful.  But then, I guess, the tide comes in.

Sounds tepid? Maybe. It is what it is, I guess. Perhaps that ship has sailed. I have mostly been the object of others' passions.

We went for a walk this afternoon, through the frozen yellow winter grass.  Afterwards, I made hot cocoa.  Good stuff. With cream and dark chocolate.
That's my 1/2 hour.