Goodbye, Ilse.

It's Advent. I sat zazen at home early yesterday morning, but I haven't been to the zendo in a month, ever since the night I showed up at Seido's door the night of the crash. The night of my dad's admission to the hospital. Mom had sent me on a number of ridiculous errands, which I usually refuse to do, but she was upset, so I was trying to pacify her.Turning left onto the main road home, a car ran the red and totaled the Saab. Let me tell you. Saabs are good cars. The world is poorer for their absence. Jay, retrieving my things from poor crumpled Ilse (my Saab) a day later told me that if you looked only at the interior of the car, you would never have guessed a crash had happened. On the side of the road, standing resolutely under a streetlight, hands in her pockets, was my old friend Sandy. Who had witnessed the crash. She was standing there with another woman. I had been listening to Nightvale when I got hit, and it hadn't turned off, so Cecil was going on about Beautiful Carlos. I hit pause with my shaking fingers. My violin was in the front seat, together with a bottle of elderberry juice and some pre-bottled margaritas, for later, unbroken On the shoulder of the road, I opened my violin case. Dear reader...it was not only undamaged, but in-tune. I heard Sandy's friend say "What is she doing?" and Sandy, whom I haven't seen in 35 years says, without skipping a beat, "Haley plays the violin--her grandfather made that one." "Are you ok?" She asks. "I think so." I say, "but I've got a lot of adrenaline going." "So weird," she says. "I was just thinking about you this morning." I, actually had thought of her that morning as well. Let me give you some background. Sandy is the only person I ever got into trouble with in my youth. She's two years older than me, and when I was fourteen, I spent the night at her house and we got drunk on peppermint schnapps and broke into the house of a cute boy who went to our church. We were caught by his parents, who yelled at us, but never told anyone. That's how things were. Today, we'd both be in Juvie or institutionalized. Or, more likely, shot. "I was thinking about you, too." I said. "Remember when we got drunk on peppermint schnapps and broke into Wayne's house?" Her face closed. "I don't recall that at all. You're thinking of someone else." "Well, " I said lamely. "Good to see you!" I kept trying to call Jay, but kept getting voicemail. The cop took her statement, didn't give me a ticket. Ticketed the other driver. He offered me a ride. I told him my address. "I'm sorry, ma'am, but that's not in city limits. Do you know anyone closer?" Seido and the zendo were close. I had him drop me off there. The porch light was off. I banged on the door until he answered. "Haley?" He seemed confused. I explained about the crash. I had to explain several times. "Can I have a ride?" ' "No--I'm too sleepy." He said. "I just took a melatonin. Whatever. What an old lady. No wonder his wife left him. Thinking back, he probably had something stronger on board and didn't want to fess up. I Ubered home. Seido was mystified by this. "You mean, you just press on your screen and a car shows up?" "Yes. They're here. I have to go." The Uber driver, Mohammed, tried to hold forth on the difference between men and women, on the ride home. He expressed dismay over the gravel roads. "Crockett county has gravel roads," I told him, shortly. "Let's just listen to the radio, shall we?" The house was dark and Jay was snoring when I got home. Sometimes even short trips take you to very unexpected destinations. And that's my half-hour